An Ode to You.


Growing up I could never grasp the love they have for you , the obsession, their devoutness, the everlasting belief.

But now i comprehend that everything, every little thing– be it moments of genuine bliss or unfathomable sadness that has happened to me was to conduce me to this moment right here, this paramount , vital & glorious moment. 

A moment in which I acknowledge & choose to confess that you are everything I have ever needed, in you I found salvation, prosperity, understanding. You are my pilar , my hopes & dreams, my strength & weakness, my whole entire life you have known me– at last the time has come in which I get know you, as my father, my shepherd… my friend. 

For all that is to come & for all that you have bestowed upon me, I give thanks. A thousand times over, I shall give thanks unto you Lord. 

“I will sing of lovingkindness and justice: Unto thee, O Jehovah, will I sing praises.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭101:1‬.

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Climax. 


At last… Long I awaited for this moment, & finally it is here but my reluctance to succumb , perhaps may be the reason for it all.

I feel though as if we have been here time & time again, & every time you have enriched my being, my soul with unparalleled love, but then tomorrow with no mere warnings proclamations of affections are replaced with unforeseen moments of disregard, insensitivity & silence.

Relentlessly, upon your calling I’ve presented myself unto you. with no objection. What does this tell you? At my own protest, unwillingly I have fallen, fallen so deeply in love with you. Young and naïve I do not know what love is , I truly believe that many of us don’t, how can one come to describe & fathom a feeling so profound, so subjective? 
Be it what it may be I assure you this, within me you have nonchalantly awaken a feeling I have spent a lifetime cloaking. 

The greatest fear of a man who is emotionally vulnerable is hurt & I am no different, oftentimes my fears have precluded that I give into you wholeheartedly because like I once said , only one of two things may arise from a feeling so deep…

1. Heaven or 

2. Hell

& I’m afraid to admit that I may not be strong enough to withstand the latter…

In this life we live nothing is known, nothing is guaranteed consequently we have very little power over what happens but it is within our powers to control our actions & the words we say, therefore I say this to you, tread lightly & carefully, for your words resonate , speak only of what you know & sure of, here we pass no judgements & create no expectations. Here truth reigns, loyalty prospers and love remains unbeatably.

I’m not quite sure what this is yet or possibly what it may be or what lessons may come from it but it has taken over me & at night I pray to the almighty that he release me from your captivity if you are not mine to have whilst hoping that in some way you truly are mine for although you may not know, I am yours.

Ps: Conquered castle.

Healing.

Although it’s a shame to admit, the past few years have moulded me into becoming a cold, cynic creature who has mastered the art of masking her true emotions & who simply attempts to get through another day, & another day & another whatever else I inveterately need to be getting through. 

This is what we know and call survival, because some of us are damaged beyond repair.

Voicemail.


One of the grim things about losing someone (besides losing that someone) as foolish as it may seem– is convincing yourself & coming to terms with the harsh reality of having to delete their cellphone number. 

To me, those digits together represent something… they represent a time in my life of daily rituals, midnight calls, endless conversations & presence. They are somewhat a piece of what I once knew … a resemblance of normality. 

Comprehending the fact that when I dial there will be no immediate pick up, no-one on the other side … is heartbreaking. It’s profoundly disheartening… 

Poisoned Chalice.

 I promised myself never again will I be engulfed by false proclamations of affection and passion so no, you cannot come here with your beguiling words in an attempt to make me yours once again.

…Lord knows back then I would have fallen at your feet in order to hear these words from you , you gambled with my heart & had me consumed by your emptiness, your selfishness — your ability to emotionally manipulate & elude.
I was yours but you were not mine, daily you fed me a specious appearance of infinite love. 

Therefore no, you do not get to come back into my life & proclaim your love, you do not get to claim me as yours to have & hold, you don’t get to seep your way into my heart and reignite my love for you & convince me that you are the one who got away. Last time was the last time & never again will I allow you the satisfaction… 

Whether or not he loves me does not matter, what matters is that you were once in his position, I was yours to have & you did nothing but rip me apart & leave me to heal on my own— it was then that the thought of who you were was replaced by the disappointing reality of who you truly are, I offered you refuge and in return I received ingratitude. 

I never asked much of you– all I ever needed was consistency, some sort of reassurance and that you nurtured my sometimes fragile heart but not even that you could do…

Your love was a fallacy, it was a selfish kind of love… with it I honestly learnt what it means to be taken for granted but now I am whole. 

This too shall pass. 

& yes , on most days I don’t feel like getting out of bed or doing anything , mostly I want to drown in sorrow & self-pity– lay back and watch as my life passes by & wait for when the pain slowly begins to dissolve from within & I forget who, when or what caused all this suffering… but unfortunately that isn’t living, so everyday I find the strength to get up and face another day– not because I want to but because I have to & this is a process. 
Everything is a process & It’s endless, therefore some days will be harder than others but you have to find the light otherwise you’re just another one lost in the dark…

Enigma. 

I cannot bare the thought of sharing you. Of ever losing you. 

Of someone else ever claiming your love for their own. 

But if you choose to go, go. I will not hold you hostage to my love, but before you part I’d like to tell you that my love is pure & if ever you lose your way I’ll be here to hold you & remind you of who you once were because somethings are beyond our understanding. 

The truth hurts & the truth is you were never mine to have. You are a wandering soul & I a wallflower.